The Good and The Bad

It was a bad week that ended with good news.

Beginning on Tuesday, I had 3 biopsies, 3 clips implanted in my breasts, a fine needle aspiration of my lymph nodes and the surgical implantation of port that will allow the chemo treatments to be administered. I am sore, I am tired, and I feel fragile.  This is how it is for now. It won't always be like this. Everything is temporary.

I have really good care. My sister found me an oncologist that we all feel great about. I am entrusting my life to her without reservation. I met a surgeon at the Dana Farber clinic who, when I consider her, the word that comes to mind is, "gangbusters." She is young, confident, and caring. All good news.

One of the things that I've learned about breast cancer is that there is no prescribed treatment plan. There are multiple competing variables, beginning with the kind of cancer you have and the stage in which you caught it, and ending with your priorities and concerns about your breasts. I guess I'd naively hoped that my surgeon would tell me exactly what to do. We talked for a while and she outlined the various paths I could take that would most likely not change the prognosis. As she spoke, I became more and more discouraged. There is no clear path for me. I must decide on my own. I have to weigh emotional priorities with physical variables about which I have no control. Will the tumor shrink? Will it spread? Will it go away? The surgeon commented that while she can usually read people, she was having trouble reading me. "What do you want?" she asked. Quickly, I responded, "I love my life and I want to get back to it as soon as possible."  These words leapt from  my lips as if it had been waiting there.

There is something good about my response and something bad. The good part is that I'm aware of  what is bountiful in my life and I'm motivated by it. The bad part is that it's a false dichotomy. It is cant be either/or.  Having breast cancer isn't an excuse to turn my back on all that makes my life good. Since the diagnosis two weeks ago, I've somehow managed  to do the things I love: plant my garden, do my job, walk my dog, and most of all, love my kids. But because I'm so distracted all the time, my temptation is to live around my life rather than in it. I can choose the bench or I can choose the field. I have this bummer of disease but I also have many blessings. My strawberry patched ripened this morning. The rain is pattering noisily outside the window. I have a bike trip to prepare for this August. The accumulation of my world knowledge tells me not to hide from others and from the cancer like I'm tempted to. I need to do the harder thing; square up my shoulders and face this. I imagine by doing so, I will open myself up to face life's wonders, as well.  It's a harder choice in the short term and then an easier one in the long term.  So I'm gonna try every day to turn and face.

I mentioned that the week ended with good news; there is no lymph node involvement. A good ending to a bad week.